Aint no hood like the Motherhood

I was wondering when I became "that" mom.

The kind of mom that thinks to herself, "this is not how I imagined motherhood to be. this is not the type of mother I imagined I would be." The kind of mom that has all good intentions, but after the first ten minutes of the day, you're already losing your patience. The kind of mom who outside of her son's Christian based pre-school, chases down her two year old daughter, in a cemetery, and spanks her butt for not listening in front of all the other parents (and on top of all the dead people 😑).

yep. that kind of mom.

Some mornings when I hear my kids waking up in their bedroom, I sneak down to the kitchen. I make a pot of coffee. Then, I pour myself a cup and hide in the bathroom to start drinking it. Some mornings I can almost consume the cup, but more times than not, I'm discovered shortly after the first sip. "MOM! What are you doing in there? We're hungry. Make us breakfast, PUH-LEASEEEE!!!"

Busted.

Every night before I go to bed, I dump out that full pot of coffee down the drain. Down with it, goes all my ambitions for the day.

Am I the only mom out there who feels overwhelmed, out of patience, and quite frankly just over all of it? I mean I'm talking like, I was over it 15 minutes into my morning, after I had to break up the 3rd fight between my children over who got to sit in which chair. Or the fact that I'm the only person in the entire house who can clean out the tooth paste spit in the bathroom sink. Or that I can't be in the shower for more than a minute with out a child crying for me through the door, because apparently spending some time with just their dad is just torture. I'm just plain, over it.

For the most part, I try to keep these "over it" feelings to myself. Because. I'm a mother. All of these frustrations and lack of solitude is part of the sacrifices I signed up for when I chose to become a mother. So why would I want to complain? I knew what I was getting myself into, right?

Wrong.

No one can prepare you for this adjustment. You can think you're ready, that you've had practice with other kids, or you're mature enough to accept all sacrifices. Honey, I can tell you now, practice and maturity has nothing to do with this part of motherhood.

As much as I wonder to myself, when did I become this type of mom, I also can't help but wonder if the type of mom I have become, is a "real" one.

The kind of mom who pours and pours from herself until there is nothing left at the end of the day. The type of mother who tries so hard to teach her kids how to be a kind human being, but also loses her cool the 5th time she has to repeat herself. The kind of mom who revolves her entire world around raising these little kids, that she forgets there is an entire world outside. The kind of mom who wakes up, and repeats the same schedule every-single-day because if that schedule gets messed up by a fraction of a minute, she will not know how to "just function" through the rest of the day. The kind of mom who acts like she has it all together, but at the end of the day feels as if she is screwing this all up. The kind of mom who dreams of quiet, alone time, but as soon as she gets it, feels guilty for not being with her family.  The kind of mom who thinks every observer is judging her mothering. The kind of mom who feels like every other mom is doing a way better job than she is.

I believe all of the above makes up a real mom. Spreading herself out so thin in every direction, so she can make sure she's taking care of everyone's life that she is involved in. She's spread so thin, that it leaves her feeling less whole than she imagined she would feel as a mother.  We know this cycle. But yet, we do nothing to change this cycle. Because we feel this cycle is our duty. We feel if we aren't exhausted and stretched thin, then we are not succeeding as mothers.

I want to believe that majority of mother's feel this defeat. We just do not voice it out loud. Because we're scared of being "that" mom. When really, all the real moms of the world, lay in their dark rooms at night, feeling less than the mother next door. If only the mother next door revealed her "less than" persona, we all would realize we're not "that" mom. We're all just....moms.

 People tell us we're doing a great job. People tell us we need to take care of ourselves. People tell us we need to put our marriage, and husbands first. People tell us we need to make some "mommy" time. People tell us. We never do it. Because we feel there isn't enough time, and we would feel guilty spending our waking moments not tending to our children. This is the struggle of the real mom.

The real moms of the world will wake up tomorrow. They will never finish their hot cup of coffee. They will make a WAY less than Martha Stewart breakfast of frozen waffles. They will lose their cool on their kids for making them late because they took way too long to poop and keep putting their shoes on the wrong feet. They will rush home to make a dinner that their kids will take two bites of, then demand a snack. They will throw the dishes in the sink and make it "tomorrow mom's" problem. They will throw all their kids in the bath and yell for the 300th time as they splash water out of the tub. It will look like an episode of wrestling mania as they brush their daughter's hair and put their pajamas on them. They will read 3 bed time stories. Their children will repeatedly get out of bed for ridiculous request at least 4 times. It is then, the real mom can take a sigh of relief. But then, her husband moves in. She will then give her husband "that look" and he will move to the other couch. She will slowly, very slowly drift off to sleep after she tosses and turns while she worries about how she is failing because she's not the mother she thought she would be. Then she will wake up, and do it again, and again, and again.

When they say it takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village of real moms, to stand up, and have each other's backs. We are all "over it" at some point so why not ease the pain by being "over it" together. Stop putting on those fake personas like you've got it all together and just be real about it. We're a motherhood and motherhood is hard. If you don't think it's hard, then there's a good chance you're not mothering.