I just want to be a parent.

I don't want to be a default parent. I also don't want to be a back up parent. I just want to be a parent.

For those of you who are unaware. In MOST parent relationships you're one or the other. Which one are you? 

If you carry the mental load of all the appointments, schedules, school events, homework assignments and when your kid had their last tetanus booster, you're the default parent. If you wake your kid up whether you work outside of the home or not, get them breakfast, set out their medicine, feed the dog, brush your kid's hair and make sure their book bag has all the necessary items for the day - you're the default parent. If you're the one making all the parent teacher conferences, making sure their green shirt is washed, dried and ironed for "green day" at school - you're the default parent. If you're the one responsible for making sure meals are planned, shopped for, prepared for supper and cleaned up after supper - you're the default parent. If you feel like you don't have a quiet moment, because even when you're by yourself you're running through a mental checklist of things to do that aren't for yourself - you're the default parent. If you're changing most of the diapers and haven't gotten a full night's sleep in days - you're the default parent. If you know every gift your kid is getting for their birthday or holiday because you bought and wrapped them - you're the default parent. If you know exactly the last time the floors were swept and mopped all in one day - you're the default parent. You're the parent that is first on emergency contacts. You're the parent that the kids run to when something is wrong. You know their Motrin schedule when they have a fever. If you feel like you forget just one thing, you've completely dropped the ball and failed - you're the default parent. If you do the lion's share of the day to day load when it comes to caring for your child and house - you're the default parent. 

If you shook your head no to most of the statements above- you're the back up parent. If you don't have to announce when you're leaving the house - you're the back up parent. If you have to ask the other parent when the last time your kid had Motrin when they're sick - you're the back up parent. If you can't rattle off all the names of medicine, dosage and which doctor prescribed which medicine for your kid- you're the back up parent. If you don't know what your kid did for career day at school- you're the back up parent. If the other parent has to run over the itinerary for the week, day or month with you - you're the back up parent. If you're getting a call to pick up an ingredient for supper tonight- you're the back up parent.  The back up parent is the one who has to "step up" if the default parent is sick. A back up parent does not mean you're not present and engaged with in your family. A back up parent just doesn't carry the mental or physical load of the day to day for the kids and the household as the default parent does. 

The thing is we don't NEED to fall into this parent trap. We don't have to be one or the other. Did you know that the default parent is more likely to experience burn out, depression, resentment towards their spouse and kids, guilt and fatigue? I'm sure no one wants that for their partner. Let's work harder to break this pattern. Let's share the day to day mental/physical load. People are habitual animals. If your habits have lead you to be either a default or back up parent, change them. Don't assume this is how it's supposed to be. Become aware of what dynamic you're living in. Recognize what each of you provide for the family. What part(s) of your day is the most stressful and weighs on you the most? Can the other parent help carry or even take that load from you? Equally give and take. Find a balance that works for BOTH parents. One parent's "to-do" list shouldn't be substantially longer than the others. See what you can take off their list and provide yourself for the family. It's never too late to dismantle the habits you've fallen into and rebuild them into something more sustainable. Start small- pick a couple habits to change at a time. Ask each other "what can I take from you?" or "What can I give you right now?" Follow through - actually do the work. Check in - communicate with your partner and see how each of you are handling the change. It's easy to fall back into old habits. Stay diligent. Your kids deserve two present, engaged, happy parents. They deserve to see just two parents who equally support each other in the day to day.