Little moments and socks

Motherhood is made up of a bunch of little moments....and socks. 

 6:45 AM on a Saturday. I've been tip toeing around in the dark for the past 30 minutes. Why? Because the things that live here with me can sense the light from the floor above and hear the smallest floor creak. With four other people in this house, it's not easy finding time to be alone. You have to soak up any second you can find in the silence. A moment to yourself to just be still. 

 I've been doing this motherhood gig for almost 9 years now. In the stages of parenthood I'm quickly approaching the intermediate level. We had to get a new washer last night and when my husband pulled our old one out; 5 years of dust, dirt and missing socks were revealed. Adult socks, boy socks, girl socks and baby socks. These little tiny baby socks with rubber heart shaped grippies on the bottom. I remember those socks and the little chubby feet I put them onto. Now my husband refuses to sort socks because he can't tell if the black ankle socks are mine, my sons or the girls. 

The light from the computer screen and click of the keyboard must have been too much. I currently have two little sleepy eyed girls sitting on either side of me. They're talking squirrels. What time of day do they come out? Where do they all live? Why does our neighbor have more in their yard than we do? This is what I came here to say. Once you become a mother it's so hard to just be still because the moment of it all is so consuming. 

 My first year of motherhood was so hard. Newlywed. New career. New house. Newborn. That's a lot of new to adjust to all at once. I remember driving to work in my slippers, because I was so exhausted from staying up all night with my son. I was at a stop light and I looked down and saw the fuzzy "Mama Bear" sewn across them. I just cried. Why was I failing at EVERYTHING? Why was it all so hard? When was this going to get easier? The days were so incredibly long and I felt as if I wasn't giving any one part of my life the best version of myself. 

 Life is funny though. Just when you think you can't possibly shoulder any more it gives you twins on top of the 2 year old. At this point you realize your life isn't real and you're just part of some greater scheme. Like a reality T.V. show but no one told you you're the star. And everyone is watching your chaos for their own viewing pleasure. Have you seen the Truman Show? That's what's happening here. I'm starring in my own version of the Truman Show and the ratings have to be good! Everyone is tuning in at 8 PM to see the hot mess I was today.

 When you're in the thick of juggling 3 car seats, dirty diapers and constant bottle feedings on 4 hours of inconsistent sleep it can be a little hard to feel like you're succeeding. Many days the kids are lounging around in diapers and one sock on. The laundry is backed up. The sink is filled with bottles. Simply taking your first shower in days is all you need to feel human. This can't be what it's all about is it? Because this is not what I signed up for. I don't think? Oh, but it is. This is what it's all about and this is absolutely what you signed up for. Full on consumption. Your life will forever be consumed by these little people. Does it get easier? No. What consumes you just changes as they change. Soon you will no longer be sleep deprived from 2 AM feedings. But you'll be sleep deprived because you decide to stay up once the kids are in bed to have "me time". Then you'll be sleep deprived because you're up all night stressing because your baby is about to go to school for the first time. How will they survive 8 hours with out you? Impossible. The other night I was sleeping. I wake up to the creak of my door. Then, with out warning my bedroom gets flooded with the over head light. I look beside me. My daughter is standing there. Can I help you? "Will you untie my robe?"....Honestly, I don't even know what time of night it is. But this was important to her for some reason, right now. And this will continue forever. For every stage of life - you're never sleeping soundly again. Just face that now. 

 I was looking back at photos of the kids when they were babies. The photos I snapped in between kids crying, feedings and diaper changes. It brings back all the exhaustion, isolation and doubt. But it also makes me realize we all survived. It makes me realize just how quickly those long days went. It makes me realize my babies are turning into functioning human beings all too fast. The days of battling the baby socks, you put them on, they kick them off, you put them on....are long gone. So gone that they're covered in 5 years of dust. At some point I picked my son up for the last time. I don't remember the day or why I held him and I'm sure I didn't know it would be the last time. Did he come to me one day and ask to be held and I was too busy? Did I tell him not now, later? Only for later to never come. Because what feels like overnight he had a growth spurt and grew a foot and gained 30 pounds. In the morning, I would no longer be able to carry him around. I missed that moment and how many others because I was consumed by all the wrong things? Like dirty dishes and matching socks.

 This is what I came here to say. These little moments, that seem insignificant, almost obnoxious. Because you're one person doing it all and you just need a moment to be still, by yourself! These moments that seem never ending and that you're never going to make it out of. These moments that have you questioning every decision you've made that's led you to it. You are soon going to be reliving these moments. In photographs. In dusty baby socks behind a washer. In memories. You're going to realize one day that all those little moments the good ones, the bad ones, the exhausting ones, the normal everyday ones are significantly writing your life story. The story that you're going to look back over so many times wanting to relive. Because you realize just how short they lasted and you want them back just for another moment. Just a little longer before the next one comes. So you can truly appreciate it this time around.

 So now here you are. You're no longer wearing your slippers to work. The kids put their own socks on. They pour their own milk into their cereal bowl. They take themselves to bed. They hop in and out of the car buckling themselves. No more car seats. No more diapers. No more bottles. No more baby socks. You're still trying to find time to be still. By yourself. At 6:30 AM. You're still exhausted. The house is still a mess. You're still wondering if your giving the best version of yourself to every aspect of your life. But maybe, just maybe you can realize that these are the moments that you're going to miss in the future. The moments when you're trying to just be and your kids come down into your space and debate squirrels. The moment when your son comes in for a hug, and you can no longer pick him up, but you can choose to hold onto him a little longer this time. The moment when you have all the socks to sort and mate, maybe this one time you can pause and appreciate them instead of feeling annoyed. Because this time next year they're going to be another shoe size bigger and probably not be printed with Hello Kitty. 

I'm going to challenge you to be in a moment today. Just pick one or maybe all of them. Study your kid's face the way it is TODAY. When your kid comes up to you with a request don't say " Maybe later " or " not right now " as your scapegoat because checking something off your to do list is consuming you. Take a moment and just breathe, for you. Step back and realize YOU are doing it. What ever it is and appreciate yourself for it. Take a moment and remind yourself. You're not failing. You're not doing this wrong. You are a mother. You are exhausted. Your life will forever be consumed by these children and all of their socks. Finding moments to be still, by yourself, are going to be hard. Allow yourself some grace today. Remind yourself that these are the days you're going to miss. Not right now while you're in the thick of it but I promise you'll miss this moment. Maybe it seems insignificant. Maybe it seems overwhelming. Either way, it's going to matter to future you. 

The sleepless nights, the dirty socks everywhere, the teething, the first milestones, the fighting, the attitude, the worry, stress and fear. The moments. One day you're going to realize you not only survived them but they made up a bigger part of your story than you even imagined.