Dust bunnies, broken crayons and dodged bullets

     Are you ever going about a normal moment and out of nowhere get flooded with the feeling "I've seen it through. I survived?" This morning I decided to clean out from underneath the couch. I slid it away from the wall and was overwhelmed with dust bunnies, dog toys, 5 socks (none of which had a match), matchbox cars and broken crayons. Along the back of the wall were scuff marks from the couch, ripped off paint, and a crystallized splatter from a drink that only God himself knows how it got there. I thought to myself "only us. These walls, this paint, this room, isn't even 2 years old and my family has managed to mark it with what seems like a lifetime of destruction." I sat on the floor, defeated, wondering why the heck I decided NOW was a good time to clean under the couch. Should I just put the couch back and pretend like I didn't attempt this? I looked up at my kid's faces hanging crookedly on the very same wall. And, there it was. That feeling.

    Two years ago, cleaning under the couch wouldn't have even been on my list of worries or even on my radar. It's funny how as time goes on, you almost forget what you've gone through. What got you to this point. What you've lived through and survived. This time, two years ago, I was recovering in bed. My mom was living with us to take care of my 3 kids and myself. I was pushing myself to just feel better. But the truth is, the physical pain wasn't even the worse of it. 

    I was having issues that I chalked up to being normal after having a twin pregnancy. I of course, was too busy and too stubborn to pay mind to it. Until eventually, it was hard to even get out of bed. It turns out that my issues weren't normal. The doctors were shocked to find out my uterus had grown to be the size of a 5 month pregnant woman. Soon I found myself waiting on a biopsy result. That was by far the longest 3 weeks of my life at that point. When the results came back they were inconclusive, but we did know that sample from the large tumor was benign. It was pretty evident at that point, it was best to just get rid of it. So at the age of 29 I found myself being wheeled in for a hysterectomy. We all know I've been blessed with 3 beautiful babies.  But as I was recovering at home the reality of what had all transpired hit me. On top of it all, the doctor had to send away my uterus to get conclusive results. She told us she was almost certain it still was not cancerous, but the tissue was ugly so she wanted to be definite. At 29, I knew I would no longer be able to have another biological child now and I was still trying to grasp what exactly was going on with me. The results came back almost a month later. Not cancerous! I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease along with an inflammatory disease known as Adenomyosis. Apparently the twin's pregnancy was traumatic for my body and it reacted by over compensating in tissue production. Go figure. It was easier to understand what had happened now, but the why it had to happen was still a struggle. I spent a better part of 2 years hurt and not wanting to accept the reality of the situation. It's okay now. Because when a memory pops up in my news feed of my little babies, I watch it on repeat, but I watch it with a smile instead of tears. When a friend finds out she's going to be a mom, I genuinely feel so extremely happy for her, instead of wishing it were me. Sometimes- time is the answer. 

    Sometimes, yes, time is the answer but it can also be the adversary. Almost exactly a year later after my hysterectomy, we were facing another scare. Which would make me wish I could relive mine over and over just to not go through this one. Most of you know my son. The sweetest, thoughtful, oldest soul of an 8 year boy I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Sometimes, I wonder why such a sweet soul could keep getting dealt such crappy cards. I'm sure there's a greater plan behind it all, but as his mom, I call bullshit on it all. He was born with a deviated septum. Which normally doesn't cause too many issues, except for when your adenoids are grossly enlarged. It turned out that he only had 7% of breathing flow in his one nostril. On top of enlarged adenoids he had enlarged nasal turbinates in his nose. When he was 4 years old we opted for surgery to try to correct his nasal breathing issues. When he came out of surgery, his lips were dry. So I gave him his favorite chapstick to use. He was repulsed by it. Turns out, he hadn't been able to smell well the first 4 years of his life and he actually hated the smell of his favorite chapstick! Just when we start to think we have him figured out. I get a call from school. He was laughing with his friends at lunch and was unable to breathe as a result of it. He ended up vomiting while trying to catch his breath. The nurse said it resembled a severe asthma attack. So at the age of 5 he was diagnosed with allergies out the wazoo as well as asthma. It also would later be developed that due to these issues along with some other ones, a speech problem would result. Ok, no problem. We can handle this. Sometimes though, life just likes to load you up. So almost a year to the date of my hysterectomy I notice a new mole growth on his neck. So we take him to the doctor and he pulls up Spitzoid Melonoma on his screen and shows me pictures of it in comparison to my son's mole. They looked one in the same. He decided right then and there to remove it and send it for biopsy testing. While working at the hospital you learn how to put up a wall and a fake, endearing face when you discover bad news on a patient; but can't deliver it to them. I can tell you when you're a parent it's not as easy. I remember walking him to the car where my husband and girls await (because of Covid only 1 parent could go in) and staring at my husband from across the parking lot with tears welling. It was a gut wrenching feeling. I'm not sure how long it took to get the results. But I can tell you I called in there every single day for what felt like an eternity. The results came back as a spitz tumor. But, fortunately, we caught it and removed it before it was able to turn into any form of Melonoma!  Another bullet dodged.

    In the midst of all of this we are struggling with finding our way through the Covid Pandemic. Because parenting isn't hard enough, let's throw a pandemic on top of it. Because of this pandemic a lot of things have been exacerbated as well as other things going under the radar that shouldn't. Now that things are finally starting to slow down a bit it's coming to light that we have a long hill to climb together. But as I sit there on the floor surrounded by dust bunnies and broken crayons all I could do was stare at my children's faces.  It finally hit me that we've been through it and we survived. I know we still have a lot of life to live, but that's just it. Sadly, you don't always see how much you have to live for until you're drowning in the thick of it. And 2020-2021 sure was a thick one. 

    It's funny how in a normal, every day moment, relief can flood over you. Yes, we have manged to destruct a 2 year old room, but that destruction has been a result of living. So bring on the dust bunnies, 42 pairs of socks with out matches, broken crayons and unidentifiable drink splatters on the wall. They're proof of the normal days spent here. Do you recognize those days? The normal days. Some how those days get overshadowed. But they're truly the good ones.