INfertile Mrytle meet HAIRY, LARRY and BARRY

I remember sitting in my car after that doctors appointment. Everything that had just happened prior seemed to be a blur to me. I felt like the doctor was giving someone else their fate, but yet I was the only one in the room.

I looked at the papers sitting on my passengers seat. All the words were overwhelming.  When I finished my consultation, the doctor handed them to me. She said everything that we had discussed in our meeting would be outlined in these papers if I needed more clarification. All I saw were numbers, 6.1 million, 70-80%, 3 million.....none of these number were in my favor.

In the United States, 6.1 million women are infertile, 10% of women are diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and of that 10%, 70-80% of those women are left infertile, and 3 million women are faced with secondary infertility.

Here I was, 24 years old, and my body was broke. I was producing more male hormones, than my husband was, so I liked to say. My follicles, that were suppose to form to a mature egg, were filling up with fluid instead. The doctor told me, that if I wanted more kids to be in the cards for me, I would need to try sooner, than later. Nothing felt more real to me, than looking down at that paper with a dual diagnosis: PCOS and Secondary Infertility.

My husband grew up with 3 siblings. I grew up with 1 sibling. We decided we would meet in the middle, and have 3 children. We were only 6 months into our marriage when we found out we were expecting our first child. We were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. He was not even a year old when we were faced with the reality that he may forever be an only child.

As soon as you get married, your reproductive life becomes everyone's hot topic. How many kids do you all want? When are you going to start trying? Then it seems you are no more pushing out your first kid, and people are popping in the delivery room asking: "you guys thinking about having more kids? when are you gonna give the little one a sibling?"

I am here to tell you. What is going on in a woman's uterus is no one's business. If a couple has 0 kids, or 5 kids, please do ME a favor, and just let them be. If the couple wants the world to know about their family planning, trust me, they'll tell you.

I shared with a few close people, the news I had gotten from the doctor. I was still in shock, still trying to figure out how I grouped in to that 3 million women. I was processing that I may never have another biological child. Soon, everyone who was pushing me to have more children, started to justify having just the one. Do you know what they told me? Well, at least you have your son. That's all that should matter. I am sure it was mostly out of desperation to find some calming words, but it had the opposite affect on me.

You do not have to tell me I'm blessed to have my son. I am well aware that there are millions of women out there who can't even have one child. I know those women would do anything to be able to have just one child on their own. That doesn't change the fact, that I was entitled to feel hurt. I had a right to feel crushed, that the family I thought I would have, may not become reality.  A loss is just that, a loss. I had already had a home in my heart for these children. I already created a space for them in my future. Now, I had to come to terms, that those spaces might be empty. Not to mention, I had to tell my husband that his dreams of his family may come to an end as well. I can not describe the hurt that I felt the day I told my husband that my body was broke. That it was because of me, that we may not have any more children. That his son, may grow up as an only child. That is a lot of weight for a woman to carry. It doesn't deserve to get brushed off to the side and under the carpet.

3 million women, I guarantee have had those conversations. The one where their feelings were dismissed, because they already had one child. The other one where they have to try to explain to their spouse how the body that created their first child, may never do it again. The one where they felt shame as well as clarity, as they described how all the issues they've been having, are actually symptoms of PCOS.

I can remember rattling of a list to my husband of all the things I had been dealing with, that I learned were just PCOS in full swing. The back pain, that wouldn't let me sit through a movie, the hair growing on my chin, that I had to pluck before he noticed, the weight that I gained, just from looking at a candy bar. The hair loss, that left my husband unclogging the shower drain more than normal. The headaches that kept me from spending quality time with my family, the sleeplessness that left me tossing and turning at night, the anxiety, and depressions I would go through. Part of me was embarrassed to talk to him about this, but the other part of me was relieved. For the first time, in a long time, I felt human. I felt, by putting a name on all of this, it some how made it easier. I was still broken, but now I knew it wasn't entirely my fault. This, was out of my control.

I have no comfort, really, for the 10% of women living with PCOS. Here I am, 5 years in, living with this diagnosis and some days are still a battle. I've given names to the 3 persistent hairs on my chin,  hairy, larry and barry. I say a little prayer each time I rip them out, that it's the last time I see them. Some days I can hardly make it through dinner with my family, because the back pain is too much. I still miss out on going on walks, or playing outside because of headaches. I find myself getting angry, or short with my family, for no reason on their part. My husband still makes comments about how his feet get a bath, while he showers, because the drain is clogged with my hair again. I find myself laying in bed at night worrying, and planning every detail of an event that's months away. Cursing at myself, to just stop thinking and go to bed already. Any more, it's like my PCOS is another member of the family.

I look at the number 3,000,000...and somewhere in all of that, there was me.  Feeling just as consumed by those numbers, as I'm sure the next woman does.  My sympathy goes out to every-single-one of those ladies. That void in your heart, that was once filled with dreams, and love, I too, know what that feels like.

I'm here to tell you, that it can get better, and for me, it did get better. It was not an easy rode. Knowing now, where that road led me, I would ReWalk it in a heart beat. But, there were days, I found myself crawling into a ball in my bed, feeling hopeless. I came to terms, after a very long struggle, that you can only take so many matters into your own hands. Eventually you have to put them into someone else's. As soon as I did that, and stopped beating myself up over this situation that was fully out of my control, my miracle happened.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. Sitting across from my doctor. She looked down at my test results and shook her head in disbelief. She looked up at me, and said "Well, sometimes, and in your case, I suppose miracles come in pairs."