A letter to my sick child.

This is bittersweet.

I would do anything to make you feel better. I would take your sickness in a heartbeat; if it meant you would be up and running.

But I also soak in moments like these. This is the only time I get now, to lay and cuddle with you. To hear your heart beating, and watch your little tummy move with each breath you take. Something healing, beyond any tangible intervention, takes place when it's just us, in pure quiet.

I get to hold your hand, that sweet, little hand. How it has grown since the last time I got to hold you like this. When you were a baby, you loved to snuggle. That little hand used to wrap around my pinky everyday. Now, you don't sit still long enough. You're too busy discovering this world. Now, the only time I get to slow down, and cherish how fast that little hand is growing, is when you're sick. I realize today, your hand takes up my palm now. Just like that, you're growing before my eyes. It takes a moment like this to really see that.

I am your mother. I know you need me. When you're sick though, you need me in a different way. Just like when I kiss your boo boos away. You want your mom, only me, to soothe you. You feel safe in my arms. In my arms, your world turns calm. There is no love greater than that. In my arms, you feel whole to me. My heart will always be your home, no matter how old you get.

I will always want to fix things for you. Your problems and worries, will always be mine. I know making you better is beyond my control. But, as your mother, it is my job to want to. Being a mother means watching your heart exists outside of your chest, for the rest of your life. That will never change. It will never get easier for me, to cope with your hurt.

As I laid you in bed tonight, part of my heart ached. You snuggled into your blanket and looked so helpless. You looked up at me, then softly closed your eyes. You were content. In all this world, right now, all you need is your mother. It will not always be like this. I won't always be the cure for all your problems. Today was a reminder of that, a bittersweet reminder.